It's the end, I'm tired

As the clock struck twelve just now, I know that was the moment that determines my future.The matriculation results are out again. I checked and I didn't got it AGAIN. This is not the first time I got rejected. I've received so much disappointment lately. I'm so down. SO DOWN...It's like no one wants you no matter how hard you work for it. I know there is an alternative way ready for me to go for it but...I never get what I desire most. It's always like this. I tried to be optimistic but, I'm so tired of pretending. I want to look at the bright side but really, it's so tired to tell a lie to others saying..."It's ok, I'm alright,I still have UTAR" when I'm actually not ok. It's such a let down. I'm not sure what's the use of all the hard work I put in during my exam last time. I think I've been pretending to be a good girl, to be an optimistic person and to be strong when I am not. Honestly, I hate it when people criticize UTAR. My sister graduated from this university. She worked hard for it and I think she did quite well. What is it so bad about UTAR? Why do I have to bear all these? I know I'm not alone going through all these. Many of my friends are in my shoes too. It's so unfair. I'm tired of hiding all my hatred toward this education ministry.

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I want to say thank you to this friend of mine who remembers me tonight. Thanks for being the first person to ask me for the results. We hadn't met each other for quite sometime already but you still remember me. I appreciate your concern very much. Thank you for understanding my situation. I know you aren't good in consoling people but, your act has show your heart of sincerity. I hope you'll do well in your matriculation since you have the chance too. All the best and I'll remember you too.

The beautiful yellow flowers

The road in front of my house was beautifully covered with small yellow flowers this morning. That was the first thing I saw this morning. The view seems to draw a sweet smile on my face after going through so much tears the night before. The tears that flowed out the night before wasn't only because of my own problem. I cried for an old friend of mine. This is a friend that I thought I wouldn't get to talk to him again. But, yesterday night, we started to really talk again. We told each other about what we've gone through all these years when we weren't there to support each other. I thought he lived a very happy life without much worries all this while.He thought the same of me too. But the real secrets revealed yesterday. We almost shared the same fate and same situation in our secondary school life. It is something sad to know that your old friend suffered so much and maybe more than yourself last time. However, it's also happy to have found someone who shared almost the same bad memories with you before because these are the ones who will understand your feelings.I had a memorable chat with this old friend of mine. As he describe his experience, I reflected it on myself. It's quite a good way to remind ourselves to be content with what we have now. Thank you, 'my old friend' for sharing it with me. You've broke the icy wall. I think you've change a lot. We've now grown much matured because of what we've been through. You are a very determined guy. I know you are trying so hard now to change for good...And I'm here supporting you always...Do it for the person you loved and saved before. I'm here praying for you.

I'm all alone

I'm alone again. It's not my first time but, I still don't get used to it. I've always been lonely at home during the day time because my mum goes to work. All I can do is just to sit there and wait for her to come back from work. Whenever I heard the screetching sound of the motorbike at about dusk, I know she's back.Today, I still hear the sound of the motorbike but it wasn't her. In fact, I automatically peep through the window when I hear the sound of motorbike. Till then, only I realise my mum is no way in Malaysia.I laughed to myself every time I do it. I thought I've already get used to it that she's not around me because I've tried it before already during National Service. Somehow, I think it's different this time. I don't know why. I miss her badly. I think it's because of the environment. I was in camp during the National Service but this time I'm in my own house. This is the house that I've been living for the past 17 years. It's normal to see me alone at home during the day in these 17 years but it's extremely rare to see me being alone at home during the night. I feel so empty in here. I hated to do house chores all this while when my mum is around but today, I feel so uneasy when I didn't do it all properly. Now I understand how much she miss me when she's at home and I'm away in NS. Everything will change next week. I know she will continue to miss me just like how I miss her now. My tears are still dropping now...I miss this house,this HOME. When things start to turn back to the right path, I have to leave. IS this how life works?

Teacher's Day in St. Anthony

It was my first time to celebrate Teacher's Day in St. Anthony school. I'm one of the weird ones in the school today compared to other students.I wore a blue GB shirt when the other students all wear St. Anthony sports wear. Despite being the odd one, no one looks at me like a weirdo.That's something that relieves me a little once I stepped into the school. We were almost late for school today because Jo Ann had to send mangoes to another school for the teacher. I think it's unique to give your favourite teacher mangoes as a teacher's day gift. My team and I were told to perform a sketch as one o the presentations. My group members had practiced very hard for today.They'd learn how to dance 'Sorry, sorry' and 'Nobody' too. It's kinda funny to see them dance, especially Esther. I was the narrator for the sketch and I just knew it this morning.I changed almost the whole script that Su Yin wrote. I was very nervous because I wasn't ready for it. I was even more nervous than the time when I present in UCSI. I think it was the scariest performance that I'd ever done today because the audience were all boys.....It's my first time to see so many boys sitting down there, looking at you to talk. And, I still have to make all those stupid face expressions. It was so hard. But, I enjoyed seeing my friends' actings. I had stomach ache for the whole show...kinda unlucky...=(

I've made THE DECISION

At last...I've made up my mind. I chose to study in utar. I know a lot of people doesn't like me choosing this path. Many people say that form six is better and so on. I've been thinking for a very long time. Some people think that I don't care much about this problem but, I care about it a lot. I can't even sleep sometimes because of this. I've got lots of advice from friends, aunties, uncles and my parents. Come to think about it again, the only person who didn't give me any advice or telling me which is better is my sister. This does not show that she don't love me. But, I feel that she understands me. I know once I step into UTAR, there will be many people start talking behind my back about why I make such a stupid choice. They always ask me why for this and that. But, I always answer them "I don't know why". If you ask me again why I make this choice this time, I will still answer you "I don't know why".All I know is I think I've made my best choice for this time. Mr. Thiru always says make the right choice at the right time. I think I'm doing it now. I don't think I'll regret because studying in UTAR doesn't mean that I cannot achieve. I will prove it that being a UTAR student, I can do well too. I want to be really good in marketing. In conclusion, I'm going to leave for Kampar in two weeks time. At first I find it quite hard to leave the people I know here but after reading an article in The Stars, I know that this is just part and parcel in life. It will happen at this stage of life. Everything that I've gone through here in Teluk Intan with my yamcha geng and back there in NS will always remain in my heart.

my three best friends

the brigades
my classmates
the casts of "heartbeat of hope"

(my 2nd musical performance)

part of the yamcha geng
my 1st musical performance

my church youths
my NS mates

My first day in a new school

St.Anthony...This is the school that I went this morning to register myself for lower six. I thought I would enjoy my two weeks lower six life but I no longer think so. There are only less than 80 students who turned up today. I can't even see a Malay boy registering for it. We sat at the hall for the whole day doing nothing. The principal and the form six teacher only managed to give an hour talk and we were let to do nothing but just to sit down there for the rest of the time. It was sweltering hot and I feel so stuffy in there. The heat actually give me a very bad headache too. We cannot even breathe well because of the smell of the new painted walls and also the pesticides.Anyway, the only time we get to let out a laugh is when someone suggested to play 'detective and killer'.I know the game sounds a little too childish for us, but it was the only activity that I enjoyed today. I think my group was the noisiest group of all. I hope I can have a better tomorrow!!!!Hmm.....

'Heartbeat of Hope' in UCSI

The casts and crews of 'Heartbeat of hope' made it to UCSI yesterday. UCSI is indeed a very nice college with unique structures. We were told to perform in their acoustic hall. OMG!!! The hall is very nice and it is 'sound proofed'.Hahaha...The stage was made of high quality wood and there is a half a million grand piano situated at the left side of the stage...I heard that there are only three grand pianos in Malaysia that cost up to half a million. It's such a great experience to touch the keys and to even take a picture with it.Hahaha...We spent the whole afternoon there practicing our musical drama but I think we were all just joking around. But when it comes to night, everyone went extremely serious. I think we put up quite a well show. My dad say, Methodist people is like that. We always fool around and play with each other during practices but when the real performance comes, everyone puts 100% effort in. I enjoy every single moment on the stage. It was the last time for us to perform this musical. It was the last time for us to get together and enjoy the presence of each other. I miss everyone who acted in the show especially the singers and the actors and actresses.I really want to thank Aunty Grace, Aunty Cho Tan and all the helpers who had contribute something for this event. I specially want to thank God for making all this things possible and thank God for letting Dad to help a little by making the spears...I appreciate it a lot. It doesn't matter the number of people who came for the show. Like what Chee Yong said before 'the most important thing is we ourselves enjoy it to the fullest'. I LOVE THIS MUSICAL DRAMA A LOT. IT WILL BE A SWEET MEMORY FOR ME TO LOOK BACK IN FUTURE.

Blessings...

My parents and I went for yamcha with my aunt and uncle just now. My aunt told me that she had a minor quarrel with one of her friends over my education status. I was very surprised to hear about it because they are actually quarreling over whose daughter is better. And the best part is, I'm not even her daughter, I'm her niece. I felt quite touched when she stood up for me but I'm also quite sad because I'm the cause of the whole thing. She said that her friend's daughter also got nine A's. Her friend will be sending her daughter off for matriculation. It's a very happy thing for that family. Sadly, I didn't get matriculation like she did but I'm going for UTAR. So,my aunt told her about it. My aunty's friend start to say all the negative ideas about UTAR and that's how the whole thing goes on. That very conversation that I had with my aunt just now hit me straight away. Question starts popping up into my head. I'm holding back my tears. I'm not sad because I have to go to UTAR because I think UTAR is a good university although so many people don't think it is. I'm thinking if I've chosen the right course. It seems a lot of people is putting high hope on me. I never said I love marketing and neither did I ever mentioned that I hated marketing.I'm quite neutral with this course. But, I start to ponder again this few days about my choice. I don't know if I should choose something that can make me to be a professional or should I stay as a normal office girl. When I reached home, I locked myself in the room and think again.I cried out to God this time because I already feel very tired with these questions. Again, I ask God why He had blessed me with such results. I feel so blessed by God. I've done nothing much but He had given me 9A's, he had given me the precious chance to go for JPA interview, he had given me 89 marks for shooting, he had given me 84 marks for bible knowledge test (something that I didn't even put much effort in) . I wonder why he gives me so many blessings but he hasn't show me which path to walk yet. Lately, I felt it as a burden for me to answer 'I'll be doing marketing' when people ask me what am I going to pursue later on in life. I feel so shameful. I put my trust in Him but, I'm still worrying here. Sometimes, I really don't understand what my head is thinking. God, help me!!!!!!

Early in The Morning

I woke up at five today.I just got up so naturally without even feeling sleepy at all. I was very fresh but only to notice I have a terrible soar throat. It's painful to even swallow my own saliva. I wonder how am I going to sing in this condition. However, this sore throat did not ruin my weekend. I think this weekend was one of the weekend that I enjoyed most. There's nothing special happening around.I enjoyed for the presence of my sister and daddy at home. To my family, it is not a simple thing for us join together to just have a dinner. That's why I cherish every single moment that I can spend with my sister when she's back in TI. Although the meal we had for yesterday night was simple, we still think it was tasty because of the time we spent together there. Dad cracked jokes and we simply chatted happily. I will be going off quite soon already.By the time comes, we will all be separated into four parts. Hope the time will pass slowly this month...